Day 37: Particles (Piano Version) - Nothing But Thieves

Song: Particles (Piano Version)
Artist: Nothing But Thieves
Feb 6

I am officially mainlining orange juice like it is suddenly going to fall out of existence. My head is absolutely pounding and I have decided to just crawl into bed until I slip into a coma. I am so cold at this point that I feel like my limbs have already set into rigor. Here's hoping that my body finally resets itself.

Now, "Particles" does in fact have two versions, today I am focusing on the piano version which is at its core a power ballad. If you enjoy this version I would definitely recommend giving the original a listen as well because the contrast between the two is heavenly. Realistically I recommend giving NBT's entire catalog a listen because they are just that brilliant. We begin with the deep powerful staccato of our piano. The only musical accompaniment to Conor's vocal. Speaking of Conor, his vocals are honestly next level. I find myself entirely entranced every time this man opens his mouth. The ebb and flow of his sweet falsetto as it dips into his hearty head and chest voice makes for the most sinful of contrasts. The piano maintains it's richness and depth seldom exploring the tinkling high notes. This contrast between Conor's vocal is goosebump inducing. The first time I arrived at the chorus of this version I felt as if I was existing on two separate planes. A body reaching out desperately for  its soul as the line between them shatters like glass. There is such a struggle, a tense push and pull within the vocal melody that grows in angsty desperation. The intensity of the emphatic belting into the sudden gentle, almost whisper-like, breathy vocal is dizzying. Unhinged pleading turns in realization until he begs one final time a cry for help.

The lyrics to "Particles" break my heart. The song not only captures the effect of his addiction on those around him but also on himself. 

"It's been like a year since I've been home
Flirting with an addiction I can't shake off
My mouth is dry, I self medicate
This comedown won't cure itself
It's driving you away
It's driving you away
Piece by piece
Day by day"

We can already infer from the above verse that he has tried to beat this addiction and can't. The description of the dry mouth and self medicating is important. Having seen what addiction does to a person it's hard for most people to empathize. I hear the phrase "they do/did

 it to themselves" or "It's their own fault" a lot. There are a lot of factors that go into addiction but many times its origin is an attempt to cure oneself of something else. I am not justifying or condoning turning to these means but I do think it is important not to condemn someone for falling because we all fall, just in different ways.

"And I'm a shadow of a ghost
It's feeling as if somebody has taken host
Babe, I don't wanna make a scene
But I get self-destructive"

The person has essentially become a slave to their addiction and has completely lost themselves to it. It has changed them into someone else and they have no control anymore. They know that they are destroying themselves but they have no power to resist anymore.

"Oh, doctor please
This don't feel right
Oh, can you give me something
To get me through the night??
If it all falls apart
And if this thing goes wrong
Oh put me back together
However you want
My mind plays tricks"

This verse is the most powerful in the song both musically and lyrically. It's desperate and actively seeking help. I interpret this verse as our narrator checking themself into rehab. The begging and pleading for something anything to help. Totally at the mercy of the doctor and even giving the doctor permission to essentially rebuild him. That kind of helpless desperation is hard to imagine, however, I think it is crucial that we find the ways to empathize when someone, no matter their circumstance, is trying to get help.

Lyric that attacked me: 
"Baby, tell me if I'm being strange
And if I need to rearrange
My particles
I will for you"

Song Color: Clinical White

Mood: Sick